A THREAD RUNS THROUGH - Ritual Abuse, Therapy, Dissociation/DID

Book One (2)
Why Do Such Things?

Compiled by Lucela


Who Is This?
Why Do Such Things?
How Did That Deal Go?
Bleak Times

waddle dee

Mind what you say on the Web

Who Is This?

‘Kelly’s trashing the house,’ Rachel a ‘protector’ told me. ‘She is, she’s just trashing everything. She’s nuts. You don’t want to talk to her.’

‘Protectors’ in Kelly’s system often seemed to start out in a semi-protective role, then to degrade into parts resembling Marta. They seemed to appear after a prolonged session where Marta and Kelly were alone, which I believed involved deep hypnosis.

‘If Kelly does something like that, there’s always a reason,’ I cautioned.

‘The beds, furniture, everything, all over the floor. Enough. Stop her,’ said Rachel.

I had been away the previous evening, during which Marta had apparently taken advantage of the situation. It was often hard to tell whether there had been a full ritual meeting, or a smaller session involving a few men. Perhaps it was one man being sent to Kelly’s house, with instructions to play a tape of Marta’s hypnotic voice, after which Kelly would find it hard to talk about anything at all.

Kelly came online and we exchanged a few words. ‘Bathroom, brb,’ she said. ‘I did not fall’ she wrote when she returned. ‘I just thought you might worry if I was a little while, that I might have fallen. But I didn’t fall so that’s OK. I am fine.’

Whenever Kelly said ‘I am fine’ or ‘I am OK’, I went into alert mode as invariably it meant the opposite and she did not want me to worry.

‘Kelly tripped over some rubbish in the passageway, fell and banged her head,’ explained Rachel typing some question marks.

‘Hi,’ I wrote. ‘How are you?’

‘I'm Casey,’ came the reply. ‘I’m 13, and I get in a lot of trouble at school.’

We talked for quite a while and Kelly did not return. Rachel became impatient when another youngster came through and I talked with her also. ‘Are you having fun with this?’ Rachel demanded. ‘Pretending you are 16 and all this rubbish. What good will this do?’

‘They want someone to listen to them’ I replied. I was getting background information which was fitting into the picture like a huge jigsaw section.

‘Are you nuts?’ said Rachel. ‘No’ I replied. ‘Are you?’ Several so-called ‘protectors’ took this line with me over time. Mediation and patience are not my strong points.

‘Kelly is trashing this place, really turning it over, and you are wasting time with these young ones. What good will that do?’

‘I think it will help them and I believe it will help Kelly. She is trashing the place because someone tells her she is trash and everything she touches will be trash’ I wrote. Rachel went quiet.

I agreed with my new young friends that we could exchange emails if they wanted. Without going into detail or revealing what they told me as secrets, it appeared that Marta was known to Kelly, or Casey, many years before. Marta was older and a big influence in their lives, to my way of thinking not a good one. Now she was back causing havoc in Kelly’s life, but Kelly knew nothing of an earlier association: Just a vague memory of an older girl near her home with the name Marta.

Casey was a young, vulnerable, impressionable girl of 13 when she was befriended by this older woman. There were other teenagers in Kelly’s small DID system, but here I describe experiences from that period as Casey’s. If one of these young personalities reads this, I hope they understand that I have not told their secrets.

Casey looked on Marta as the sort of mother or older sister that she secretly wanted. Marta appears to have taken advantage of that vulnerability. Casey could be encouraged with a little monetary handout to get drunk with Marta’s male friends at small gatherings, or at full-scale adult parties where she was told she did not have to be involved in everything.

Eventually Casey and the other teenager/s began to say they were uneasy about Marta and some things they were made to do. I suggested they could think of things being better, or what they would do if they could. We said if only they could come and visit me, and things would be better when they were older, with their own friends.

Kelly had come on the scene a number of years ago to help out during a stressful time for Caitlin. There was a closeness and parallel between the two lives or personae without total awareness. Kelly knew about Caitlin the host, but Caitlin did not know of Kelly or what happened while she was in place.

What I am trying to get across is that it is possible to pull the wool over people’s eyes, especially if they have a mental make-up like Caitlin or Kelly, and make them unaware they even knew you before, forgetting or putting into byways things which might help them make sense of their lives. You can render them incapable of making proper choices, involving them in things they would never consciously do. You can over-ride the mental and emotional circuits, and effectively run - and ruin - their lives.

Much of it is done at a subliminal level like hypnosis, and drugs make it easier too. Add in the amount of mis-information and demoralising as to their having any normal rights, and you see how it could be possible. It is a tremendous feat requiring a lot of time, effort and skill to achieve and to maintain. Why would anyone do that to another human being, or even want to?

I was spending chunks of time online each week, trying to help Kelly in her situation. Marta must have spent equally huge chunks in order to maintain control. We seemed to be rendering her less effective, so she had to change some of her tactics.


Why Do Such Things?

I was generally curious why Marta was involving me rather than just sneaking up on Kelly in my absence. I received emails from Marta's new email address with a weird name saying ‘Have a lovely long weekend dear. Everything is fine.’

Marta stopped arriving at Kelly’s house expecting to get inside or to get Kelly outside. If I was online it simply did not work so well. Marta told me many times that I was interfering. She relied more on feedback from some alters she placed or encouraged, to know when I signed out or was not around. Then she turned up outside Kelly's house.

On occasions when Kelly and I were led to believe it was over, the hassle, pain, interference from Marta and the cult, suddenly we would know it wasn't. There were phone hang-ups with no message or speaking, or plentiful emails on strange topics. ‘Here come the emails’ the ‘protectors’ would say, and some deleted them straight away.

When the fairly new ‘protector’ I called Wilf came on the scene, he appeared to be considerate. I told him I was fed up being criticised and insulted by the robot and others, and it was hard for me to believe Wilf now. He told me various alters had the task of keeping me as far away as possible. Wilf then turned into a form of tyrant, sending a spate of emails telling me to turn off the phone alerts, to stay offline, that Marta never existed in reality. . . This was Wilf out of my good books and me out of his.

Kelly was now meant to die by apparent suicide, and Marta would take on Kelly’s powers, in some way achieving the ultimate protection for herself that she so wanted. See End Times Prophecy. Apparently when Marta held a knife to Kelly’s throat on the night Kelly went on the run, Marta was yelling 'I’m going to kill you now and take your soul.’ Who knows if this was high drama, if she really believed it, or why she sent me an email saying I had 30 minutes to explain why now was not the right time for Kelly to die?

Marta went from being aggressive towards me, to being flattering and wanting to be friends, to demanding why I was interfering, because she and Kelly got along much better when I was not confusing things. Sometimes she told me directly or via Kelly, that I was useless at what I did, that it would all be too much for me, and I did not have the powers or people to call on that she had. She admitted I was stubborn, and also made a strange admission that I had not managed to get Kelly to eat properly, whereas Marta had managed to prevent it while Kelly grew thinner and more ill.


How Did That Deal Go ?

Note: In Kelly’s past there was a degree of cultic ritual abuse involving some ‘satanic’ philosophy, but that is not the key issue. We need to move beyond that concept to reach the far shore. Someone apparently keeping Kelly involved with the cult was a woman whose path had crossed hers to the point where Kelly insisted on a Deal: that Kelly would not reveal personal and cult matters relevant to this woman I call Marta. In return she must leave Kelly alone - Did she though?

I became aware of increasing pressure to get me to simply go away, to stay out of what the situation really was. If I had thought Kelly was even a slightly willing participant in the cult, I might have done. How can someone like Kelly, whose entire life and emotions are being over-ridden by someone else, manage to extricate themselves? How could I leave someone in that situation if I could possibly avoid it and with a working computer and a brain?

I am aware that most of ‘the Book’ does not relate too greatly to ritual abuse as many people experience it. If you can read it, you may see the connections. Many of the principles of control are similar. People are largely unable to extricate themselves from a cultic situation, or even an unequal relationship with one person. Cults of any kind are web-like and hard to climb out of. People therefore need help with climbing out, if they can realise that is their situation.

If other people do not believe there is even a problem, they are unlikely to spend time and energy helping. If people do not talk about the issues, or there is a culture of disbelief and scepticism, things will not change. Because you or others have not experienced or heard of these things, and you would not do them, that is not sufficient cause to think no-one else would do.

Kelly’s life and traumas have been exposed here. She would never choose to go for a personal vendetta, and I would not have helped with such a course. That is not what we are about. I wanted Kelly to know that I was still around, and would continue if I could, but there might come a time when she would fend for herself more, or she might not want me there anyway. ‘You’re leaving me,’ Kelly wailed.

‘Marta said you would give up’ said a recent ‘protector-type’ whose loyalty I had concerns about. ‘It only took two nights to get you to give up the phone. You are compliant. I knew it.’ Compliant seemed to be one of their basic concepts.

‘So Marta, that person you claim does not exist, told you I would give up. How did she manage that if she doesn't exist?’ I replied.

‘You have been a strong opponent’ came the reply. ‘But see how you gave up. Two nights of ‘stop the phone’. No MSN in the night. Now this.’ This was followed by several LOL indicating his mirth and triumph.

‘What is funny?’ asked Kelly reading the LOL.

‘It’s just a robot thing being stupid,’ I replied, and we moved on to other topics. I never heard from that 'protector' again.

I always did think that, if anyone could stand up to what was happening, it was Kelly, but she was now so weak and demoralised that her 'real protectors' told me they were too weakened by the cult and memories, and had to rely on outside help. With inside alters which were inconsistent and fuelled by Marta, that was hardly surprising. It was a very longterm situation that I strayed into. Apparently there are other young women in Kelly’s area claiming to be involved in a local cult, but their attempts to get people to listen meet with blank denial.

Perhaps this is some bizarre joint delusion, not that there is a cult but that there cannot be, even when several people say there is. What is the delusion which says ‘We cannot even listen to this or try to explain it’? Usually it is called denial, or behaving like an ostrich. There are high numbers of suicides in the area particularly of young women, but reports do not appear in local newspapers. Kelly wanted to research the deaths in the library, but I felt that was an unsafe thing for her to be doing.


Bleak Times

‘It feels as though something just died inside’ wrote Nolly, one of the original ‘protectors’. Her main role seemed to be tuning into Kelly’s thoughts and interpreting for me, at times when Kelly found it impossible to express herself or even know what went on. She could sometimes see trouble looming and was usually powerless to do anything but alert me. When Kelly was going through hell on earth, I could have done with Nolly around more to tell me what was happening.

‘Do you think you can perhaps lighten the conversation? You managed it yesterday’ she said.The previous day things had been hard-going in my MSN chat with Kelly. She hoped that one day we would meet up. I told her something funny that I would be wearing, and she felt better that I made a small move towards that day. There was such a difference in our lives: I could decide what to do or not, whom to meet or not. I could say with some reasonable hope ‘That person is not going to treat me like that’ or 'I plan to do such-and-such'. Kelly could not decide or achieve these things.

During that week, Kelly had been feverish with high temperature and other symptoms, and emailed to say she really felt she should go to hospital. The sudden urge to go to hospital was a recurrent theme, but this time I felt she needed medical attention and encouraged her to take a cab to hospital. When she returned next day, I was expecting her to be feeling a little better for taking some control over treatment. But she was crying and very distraught.

The next day, Kelly said she had a nightmare that she went to hospital and had a little operation. This was a way of distancing herself from something that happened, which she now needed to think was a bad dream. She continued with this strategy for four days, even with a hospital bracelet on her arm. This blocking out or distancing meant she was not taking antibiotics to bring down the fever and infection. I suggested she look for some antibiotics to help with the pain in her side.

‘I did go to hospital, didn’t I? And that means it was not a dream. Is that right?’ Kelly wrote a frantic email before our MSN chat time. I emailed that I could come on MSN to explain, but waited online and Kelly did not join me. It was always difficult to know how much to stick to agreed times or be flexible. When we did meet up on MSN the conversation started well. With half-an-hour still left I was concerned we might not maintain the positive mood.

‘I am not smart like you’ Kelly whined. ‘Things are changing. And I make mistakes. I am not smart all the time.

'Everyone does stupid things sometimes,’ I tried to be realistic and reassuring.

‘Stop. You are smart and I am stupid. You just said so.’ ‘No, I said everyone does stupid things. You just took something literally,’ I persisted.

‘Well I do take things literally’ complained Kelly. ‘If I lend you money, you’d better pay it back the day you say. You just better.’

We continued this way with Nolly asking me to improve the tone of the conversation, but it needed to be spontaneous. ‘I’m going to lose my connection soon’ I wrote, trying to prepare Kelly that our two hours were nearly up. ‘What time tomorrow?’

‘You say. You are the one with secrets. I don’t know what you are doing’ wrote Kelly, piqued that her own life had dwindled to the point where her children hardly came home, and she was now unable to drive them back and forth to school or visiting their friends.

‘How about 2pm your time?’ I asked. There was a long pause. ‘Well that was not a good way for this to end’ wrote Nolly.

How does someone like Kelly pick herself and her life off the floor, when her welfare cheque has inexplicable deductions, when it stops altogether because someone reports her as working (she was currently unable to work), or it vanishes from her mail box? How can she pay bills, eat basic food, provide food for her children?

It sounded as if someone wanted her to give up completely, and not just from within Kelly’s small DID system. I always believed, if Kelly were left alone by Marta and the cult, she would be a fairly independent and good mother to her children, going through bad times and needing support just once in a while. This had happened before and I hoped it could again.

bird with open cage


Time Will Tell
More Weirdness
Deals Within Wheels
Musings And Meditations
Don’t Shoot The Messenger
Out Of The Woods?


Time Will Tell

‘Aunti, Kelly going out befor Haloween come’ wrote DaisyMay, the young alter with a protective role towards Kelly - when Daisy was not playing a double game.

‘That might be safer for her’ I replied. I had agreed to be around in case attempts were made to call for Kelly and take her to a Hallowe'en cult meeting. This was despite the so-called Deal struck between Marta and Kelly a few weeks earlier, that Marta would leave Kelly alone if Kelly agreed not to talk about Marta and damage her reputation.

‘No aunti. Kelly going on streets agin. She had showr, put makup on.’ Daisy was upset. ‘Try not to worry, Daisy’ I wrote. ‘I still think that might be safer than waiting in, in case Marta comes. Or she could go to her friend’s house, or get a friend to come over.’

‘Aunti! Kelly going get gun, and needl in arm agin, die.’

‘I don’t think she will do that’ I began, and was interrupted by Nolly saying ‘Pardon me madame. The little one is saying what she knows to be true, and you are telling her she does not understand. Kelly will get a gun and crystal meth tonight. Surely you know that.'

'No-one told me properly till now' I replied, thinking back to the time Kelly was on the run and ending up in what she called a druggie-house, with the aim of buying a gun.

‘It is because of Daisy that Kelly is still alive. You should realise Daisy called the ambulance several times.’ This was during times when Kelly had taken pills in despair. Nolly continued with ‘Daisy would rather go back to Marta, but she did what you told her and stayed away. You need to protect Daisy. She is the key, she’s important.’

gingerbread girl

‘What are you doing here?’ demanded Kelly herself, coming through.

‘I said I’d be here over Hallowe’en. We agreed I would be around tonight till it’s safe,’ I wrote.

‘Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t stay till 4am. Get off my computer. Now’ replied Kelly.

Earlier in the day, Daisy told me Marta was sending emails, and I sent a facetious e-card to Marta saying she was breaking her side of the Deal. I was wondering if I should have stayed out of it, but I was trying to pre-empt her now approaching Kelly. Then I sent an email hoping that Kelly’s real ‘protector/s’ would help out.

‘Moment of truth’ came a reply headed Protectors. ‘You will meet together. Your paths have crossed. You do not know the future as I do. You will remain connected. After this night you will have surpassed all evil. You two shall work as one to promote justice. You will exchange documents. You must commit yourself now. It will be longterm. I need your answer.’

‘I've been happy to help but I will need to consider the future. Nothing can infringe my other work. My aim, when I work with people, is to render myself redundant, not indispensable. Anyway, where have you been all this time? Why did you wait right till Hallowe’en and I had to call on you?’ I was angry at the strange and high-handed attempt to put me on the spot.

‘Redundant!’ came the prompt reply. ‘You do not understand things as I do. What you did was your choice. You two shall meet. You will meet her family. I know the future. You need to protect the little one. You need to call her with a name connected to you. You need to call the little one by name. Use the name she knows, also the name that has a connection to you. The host will return on this special night. The evil will be gone. I know this. Use the name.’

I am no good at riddles, especially when things are confusing and fraught. The new/old ‘protector’ was not giving me information in terms I could understand, but it seemed important regarding the host Caitlin, the one who lived the life before Kelly came along to help.

‘It is urgent, call the little one’ wrote the ‘protector’, now on MSN rather than emails.

‘I’ve been in contact with a 6-year old, a 13-year old, a 15-year old and maybe another of that age. And with Daisy’ I added. ‘I don’t want to get the wrong one.’

‘Not Daisy’ came the reply. She is not of the birth person. The birth person will return. The thread to evil will be broken tonight. Call now. Here she comes.’

Not wishing to rock the boat and prevent the real birth person from being able to return, I wrote quickly ‘Hi Caitlin. It’s me, Lucy. Are you there?’ There was a long pause.

‘Ho is yo’ appeared on my screen.

‘Hi, it’s me Lucy, the bartender.’ I used a name Caitlin called me by in the early days when she appeared occasionally and briefly. Caitlin had said I was like a bartender in her life, someone who got told things that people wanted to share, then was gone again. ‘Ho is yo’ came the reply.

‘It’s me, Lucy. Who are you?’ ‘Kate,’ came the reply. ‘I want my mom. Ho is yo.’

‘How old are you?’ I wrote. ‘5. I want my mom. Wer my mom. Wer my dad.’

‘They aren’t far away. They’ll be back soon, ‘ I tried to reassure this little person.

‘Is this the bartender?’ At last I was in touch with the host, the person I knew as Caitlin.

‘Yes, hi. How are you? Not spoken to you in a while.’ Caitlin and I lost contact six months earlier during a particularly difficult time for her.

‘This place is a wreck. Where are my kids? Where have they been all this time?’ demanded Caitlin.‘

I think they’ve been with Pete most of the time,’ I replied. This was Caitlin’s ex-husband with whom she had an amicable arrangement over access and care of the children. ‘Did they change school? Why is this place such a mess?’

‘I think Kelly had a really hard time since you left,’ I replied. Things were a little tricky, as Kelly was sometimes aware of Caitlin, but Caitlin always said ‘I don’t know who Kelly is’, and was unaware of the cult and issues over Marta.

‘What’s the date?’ asked Caitlin. Not wanting to explain that it was Hallowe’en night I replied ‘October’.

‘OMG, it was Spring and now it’s Winter. Where was Summer?’ said Caitlin.

Daisy, the 5 year-old cut into the conversation with ‘Abodi say I must say bi now.’

‘There is only room for one little one. You must say goodbye to Daisy quickly’ wrote the ‘protector’.

Daisy left and I had further conversation with little Kate aged 5, which was flagging. Nolly came through urgently with: ‘Keep going. There’s knocking the door. You must keep talking.’ It was approaching midnight on 30th October, when I'd been told someone went round houses of cult people to take them to their special meeting. Nolly called it 'rounding' when people like Kelly were picked up in this manner.

Little Kate and I talked about kindergarten, playing with blocks, different colours we both liked. She said her favourite colour was purple, and the only colour to put with that was yellow. She was adamant the colour to go with blue was white. Eventually Kelly came online, much changed from her earlier belligerent manner. ‘Hi’ she wrote. ‘I feel sad for some reason. Where’s Daisy?’

‘I don’t know’ I replied. ‘Someone wanted her to say goodbye. I don’t know if she will be back. You can feel it?’ We chatted some more and she said she felt generally better. ‘Did I yell at you?’ she asked. ‘Not much, I don’t remember what about’ I played it down.

‘Well I’m sorry. I think I was mad about something though.’ I asked if she was aware the host-person had briefly returned. ‘If you sense that Daisy is not there, do you think you would know if Caitlin was near?’ I asked.

‘Caitlin was here? Yes, I think I knew that too’ she replied. ‘Does that mean I have to go because she’s back? I don’t want to go’ she said.

‘No, of course not. No reason for you to go. And perhaps Caitlin doesn’t want to be around all the while. You and I can still talk.’

We agreed to sign out now things seemed safer and calmer. Generally, when Marta or someone came knocking at the door for a cult meeting, there would come a time when they had to leave in order not to be late at the other end. Then Kelly would be left at home and safe. I told Kelly to email me if there was anything further that night.

The following day Kelly was cheerful on MSN. Caitlin came through briefly and I reassured her she did not have to stay longterm if she preferred. But there was no Daisy which felt strange. Just tiny Kate aged 5 who played guessing games with numbers and words, and who typed, or squeaked into the mic ‘I want my mom.’

I had further exchanges with the new/old ‘protector’ about my required longterm involvement in their cause. Kelly said she felt something was not right, in fact it felt very wrong. Her intuition was generally spot on. When I told her to trust her intuition, the ‘protector’ got agitated and said we were both mistaken.

There were some disturbing aspects. Marta had access to Kelly during recent hospital visits via an arrangement with some of the staff, when she would speak softly into Kelly’s ear. After these sessions, interaction between myself and Kelly would be difficult. The ‘protector’ claimed that the link between Marta and Kelly/Caitlin was broken, with the going of Daisy and arrival of tiny Kate. I wished he would tell me what to do about young Kate and the implications for Caitlin. But I was in agreement with him that ‘Time will tell’.



More Weirdness

There had been a spate of nonsense emails from Kelly with nuggets of truth in them. When her mind went into overdrive she wrote reams saying the same thing over and over. Nolly the ‘protector/interpreter’ would get concerned and apologise or say she did not know what was happening. ‘Is she breaking down?’ wrote Nolly after this batch. ‘I am so sorry for this. I do not understand. I think she has lost it. You can just go to sleep and ignore her.’

‘I don’t think there’s any need to worry’ I replied. Kelly seemed to be going round in circles, trying to keep her mind occupied on certain subjects and away from others. They made a kind of sense but it was gone midnight and I was tired from being online over Hallowe’en. The next night Kelly had no recollection of those emails or that her mind had seemed to be falling apart. She thought she had slept from 9.30pm right through the night and could not understand why she was tired.

‘She did not sleep at all’ wrote Nolly. ‘Is she going crazy?’ I replied ‘It’s OK. I know it probably feels like it to you. I think it’s part of a healing process. There’s no need to go into details of what she says. This will all take time. Kelly has powers of recovery.’

‘Who is ill? Your mom is ill?’ asked Kelly, coming in at the tail end and causing me to fudge a reply, which I hated doing. ‘No, she’s fine. What were we talking about?’

‘I don’t know. Just don’t talk about bonfires, ok?’ wrote Kelly. ‘OK’ I agreed.

The next night I suggested that two hours might be rather long for every MSN session. Kelly accused me of trying to dump her, a conversation we had many times, when out of the blue she felt I’d never be back. I had explained I was not likely to give up after four years, even if we did lose contact for a while. She had emailed that she felt I was giving up yet realised I was still around.

Kelly had been picking up things I was saying and turning them into an accusation, and this was increasing. ‘Look, if you say I am leaving, and I am saying that I’m not, you are implying that I’m lying, right?’ I wrote in exasperation after nearly 2 hours.

‘No, I’m saying you are leaving, not lying,’ replied Kelly.

‘And I’m saying I am not leaving, and if you say I am, you imply I’m lying. I’m simply doing to you now what you do to me, twisting things round.’ I took a chance.

‘I’ve had enough,’ wrote Kelly, signing out before my connection cut off. She wanted to be the one to do it this time.

Two hours later there were a couple of panic emails from Kelly, in which she swore, which was rare for her whatever the circumstances. ‘That - - - - - - - followed me. She did! She doesn’t drive that way. Marta followed me and waved at the kids’ she wrote.

I replied briefly to support her, knowing she was going out again shortly. Later there were more emails - her wallet had disappeared, and she had bumped into someone she knew, a psychiatrist she crossed swords with. ‘That stupid pdoc was there. And my wallet’s gone now.’

How can someone’s life get so involved, such changes in reality day-to-day, such bizarre events, such shifting sands with no follow-through? Kelly’s information was usually reliable, whether we could make sense of it or not. ‘Did he come anywhere near you?’ I replied. Perhaps his unexplained appearance had simply spooked her and she was confused.

‘He spoke to me, and I said have you got kids at the school, and he said no, no, and walked off. And I’d left my wallet in the car and now it’s gone.’ In the morning, I sent Kelly an email saying I had no idea what was happening, that I hoped her wallet would turn up, and that there seemed some link between Marta and this psychiatrist. Perhaps they were having a joke at her expense or trying to confuse her. Remember the saying ‘Just because you are paranoid, it doesn’t mean people are not doing things to you’?

Both Marta and this psychiatrist referred to me as a fake. Fake or not, I was doing my best whilst none too sure about them. There were no comments like 'Well just be careful and make up your own mind.' Years later, Kelly's new therapist called me a fake within minutes of Kelly mentioning me, but I think she already knew of my involvement.

Although Kelly sometimes told lies to protect me from something, or to protect herself from some awareness, she always had a quality of speaking true. Sometimes we never got to the bottom of things because they were so strange, or they changed so quickly. Sometimes we did, much later on.


Deals Within Wheels

‘Look what you just wrote. Maybe it wasn’t for me but I read it’ Kelly wrote in an urgent email. ‘Yes, I did write that. And I take full responsibility for it’ I began. ‘I wrote it for the so-called ‘protector/s’ of yours who have conveniently vanished again.’

After a week of disturbed nights and repeated assurances from Kelly, Nolly, and the new ‘protector/s’ that Marta and the cult were really gone, I informed the ‘protector/s’ that a high-handed approach to me was not going to win the day. They had tried to involve me in a longterm commitment, I should decide right now and not question, and they claimed to know my future. So I emailed to set them straight. ‘Protectors’ often showed themselves to be cult-loyal rather than helpful to Kelly.

‘Does this mean you won’t talk to me on MSN?’ Kelly demanded when we chatted to sort out the tangle. ‘No. It just means that I will commit myself up to a certain point, and then things will be on a different basis. I’ll still be here. We’ll still be in touch. It just won’t be quite the same as it has been.’

‘You had better give her your new rules. And if you are pulling out now just say so’ intervened Nolly.

‘What email address are you going to use. So you’re only doing once a week now. Which night?’ Kelly demanded.

‘Will you both please read what I’m saying. I wrote that email in response to stuff written by someone calling themselves your ‘protectors’. Maybe you can get in touch with them. I don’t do three-way stuff because it gets confusing. And I don’t take instructions from people. You know that.’

‘They had to test out whether you can be manipulated’ wrote Nolly trying to make the peace. ‘Very nice, I do not think’ I replied.

This reaction from Kelly was one reason I had not previously broached the subject of any reduction of our hours online. The situation had improved from the terrible and dramatic events that used to happen. If things reverted to that, it meant we would not win this war just yet. My hope was to release Kelly from her prison-like situation, then to render it impossible for Marta to do similar things to other vulnerable women. I knew Kelly to be in agreement with that part of it also.

‘I told you before that this not my war,’ I continued. ‘I can’t rescue you from it. It needs to be you who does it, and I will help where I can.’ There had been other issues, undercurrents and links, and much has been omitted for the sake of clarity and discretion but it all tied in.

‘But I thought one day you and I would meet, and I could thank you for what you did. Now you won’t do that’ said Kelly.

‘There’s no reason we can’t. Things will be a bit different. I'll still be here and we can email like we do. But I have to reduce my time on MSN.’

Kelly then wrote about her life, how she had been let down by so many people, how she had been hurt by various people and situations, and she did not want to risk being hurt again. ‘I don’t know why I trust you, but I do’ she wrote. But I’m going to be a recluse. I can’t risk any further hurt from being involved with people.’

‘I think people have to broaden out their base. That way it works better,’ I wrote, concerned.

‘Oh right, you mean if I am in contact with other people, you don’t have to spend so much time with me’ wrote Kelly, a tack we also had before. Kelly picked out a specific thing from one area, and applied it to others to prove her point that it must apply to X, Y, Z. When I pointed it out saying I did not remember the circumstances, she jumped on it saying I did not know what I was talking about.

I explained that I open things up for discussion, and it's for her to consider it, agree, disagree, or ignore it. ‘Are you worried that Caitlin might want to come back?’ I asked, wondering if one reason for Kelly's insecurity was the recent brief appearance of Caitlin the host-person, after a six-month absence. ‘I don’t know’ came the reply.

‘Well maybe she won’t want to be around much or want to stay. Now Daisy has gone I’m not sure there’s so much to deal with on such a regular basis.’ I was trying to see how Kelly felt about things. ‘I know’ she wailed. ‘You don’t have to go on about Daisy not being here.’

‘Sorry. But there was nearly a whole week recently when you didn’t say anything to me at all. It was only Daisy who did the talking’ I replied.

‘Then you got spoiled. That must have been nice for you’ came her response. ‘Actually I got spoiled with all the attention, didn’t I? That’s what happened. I just got spoiled.’

'And that so-called 'protector' told me he knew my future.' I was hoping Kelly would see my point.

'That's rubbish' she wrote and I breathed a sign of relief.

My view was that Kelly was pretty much OK if left alone to lead her life. Naturally, as she went through various crises, she could seem clingy and dependent. At other times the tendency was remarkably missing, leading me to feel she could indeed manage, and should be encouraged to think of not relying on others for ever. I occasionally rocked the boat deliberately and also by mistake, then stayed around to try to steady it up.

This was my attempt to get things on a different footing for us both. After all, I believed in us both. Time would tell what other things would happen. It bothered me that Kelly used to have a certain bounce and enthusiasm almost whatever happened. There would be a pause for a couple of days or weeks. Then something would happen and she was back breathlessly recounting something line after line. Now that had gone, including her innate ability to seek out other people or information that might help.

Something seemed different from the Kelly of a couple of years earlier. I was wondering how things would transpire if the host-person Caitlin dropped in more often causing me to lose contact with Kelly. Perhaps all this was a precursor to that, and I had no idea how Caitlin, a gentle and sensitive soul, might cope if she returned to the present day after 6 months in recluse for reasons of her own.


Musings And Meditations

Kelly said she was feeling weird after little Kate was on MSN. Kate was 5, not worldly-wise like Daisy, who was also 5 and was gone. When younger aspects of Kelly came through, Kelly felt weird and unwell, sensing a whispering in her mind. ‘Does it feel a bit like having the flu?’ I asked Kelly. ‘Ya, it does’ she replied.

Although some people show personality traits and seem predictable, most of us are a jumble of inconsistencies loosely strung together. We behave differently with our parents, our partner, our boss, or depending how we get up in the morning, or someone is rude and we react. Perhaps we have people around us who say ‘What’s up with you today?’ or ‘That’s different from what you said last week.’ Sometimes we talk things through with other people, or keep them under our hat in case they cause more problems.

Most of us have some awareness of what happened last year, last week, a half-hour ago, though there are likely to be things we bury deep down. With dissociation it doesn’t work like that. There is perhaps no continuity from one day or hour to the next, one experience to another, no linkage between parts of an experience. Integration is not the only or desirable answer. The person manages best in their own way, but it helps if others around them are not judgmental. Some people who dissociate know that they do not want to integrate, because it works better to keep some aspects of mental functioning and emotions separate.

Kelly did not seem as dissociative as some other people, perhaps due to a less confusing early life, I do not know, but there seemed a consistency. There was young Daisy who filled in some gaps. There was Caitlin the host-person who dropped in for brief periods to chat to her bartender as she called me. She was back for an 18-month period, then said goodbye and disappeared about 7 months earlier.

There was Nolly who took the role of interpreting to me what Kelly was feeling so I could understand. And a part which Nolly referred to as the robot or that idiot. The robot seemed to take a role of manic defence, thinking that everything painful that happened to Kelly was just plain funny. He was like a flip-side. He held a useful role in that he got riled by my attitude, and spilled the beans on what happened or was planned by the cult.


‘What happened to the robot?’ I asked Daisy a month before she disappeared.’ ‘Him gone, aunti,’ she replied. ‘You did it.’

‘What?’ I asked. ‘He was around making his stupid jokes, then I haven’t spoken to him in weeks. Maybe he will be back.’

‘No aunti,’ wrote Daisy. ‘Him . . . him explode. You no get off the computr, him explode. You did it aunti.’ Since then, there have been a variety of robot upgrades, more sophisticated versions of my sparring partner. Throughout ‘the Book’ I have referred to ‘protectors’, and this could be confusing for readers or people with experiences like Kelly’s. Many people do have parts which act in a higher or protective role.

My perceptions of most alters who appeared in a protective role towards Kelly or Caitlin is they had some dual-role. They helped in some sense with the survival of ‘the body’ and mental functioning. As perhaps they lost contact with cult members, or were unable to handle complexity, they seemed to flip and tried to break contact between myself and Kelly.

People like Kelly are brought up in a culture with certain aims and practices which make it hard for the rest of us to engage with them. We don’t understand the thinking behind the practices, and may find it too unbelievable or plain horrible. The practices and beliefs in cult ritual abuse are similar in significant respects to what happens in many cultures, and are not so different from normal human behaviour, but are at an extreme end of a continuum. More accurately, at an extreme end of an extreme continuum.

I am no expert but in some African initiatory tribes for instance, young men go through experiences designed to separate them from everyday life and practices, setting them apart from their past, and others who have not been through them. It is my belief that cult ritual abuse is along these lines in a broad sense. People may study the heroes of classical Greece and Rome, or are drawn to the concepts of shamanism, as practised in other cultures or adapted for the West, or they feel an affinity with certain ideas or ideals. People choose what suits or interests them, taking what they feel an inner need for. Something in their make-up or experience drives or entices them in some direction, to help make sense of their lives.

Who can sit in judgement on another person for ways in which they differ from us or what we believe? What many people do not seem to realise is that some of the old practices still happen today, in our modern cities and towns, or tucked away deep in the country. Some of the old practices including sacrifice of animals and humans still go on. They did not go away in many other cultures. They have not gone away in parts of ours, or they have been resurrected. Yes, I've read the books which show how we only imagine they are here, and the writers make some valid points. We don't have the whole story and need to round it out.

Some people in today’s day and age in our own societies, claim for public consumption that these things cannot and do not happen, yet are themselves willing to engage in practices which are harmful, if not deadly to others. Look out for the vulnerable, look for those who dissociate, who are regarded as too crazy or flaky to be believed or worth heeding. It is certainly not all ritual abuse, but some of it could be related.

Look for those who ride roughshod over those who are weaker. You may not see it because there is a social veneer in place. They tend not to work as loners although some might. They may need to be part of a wider group to reinforce their beliefs and practices, and to get away with it in a sustained manner. I entered this field through hearing about multi-perpetrator abuse of children which involved pornography and violence. It was not connected to anything remotely occult, though these things happen there too. Children can’t fight back, neither can demoralised and manipulated adults.

People tend to a fascination about having extra powers, an extra something they have or can do, over and above the rest. They may work hard on their own development, read books, meditate, talk with others, watch films about fantastic feats or withstanding the impossible. Each one of us, as well as being a mixture of varied aspects, is not so far away from being inclined to do bad things as well as the desirable or admirable. We are under social or group pressures to be acceptable, while being personally curious or adventurous, and can easily get blackmailed or pressurised. Each of us can regress to when we were younger with different needs. People with sufficient know-how might use this to debase us, but not if we are careful or fortunate.

Sometimes the wish is to be accepted or successful, so we may get lured by cast-iron guarantees of rising up the ladder. Much of our current society involves extensive use of personal image and bearing, how one portrays oneself to others and achieves one’s ends, often over the backs of others less robust or cunning, or without family or contacts to support them in a wider sense.

Question: Why do you think firms advertise?

Answer: Because it pays off.

It is easy to get people to believe that they need to have, or to do something. If you imply by word, manner or deed that you have secrets others can have if they join your clique or get involved, you are on the way to being a cult-leader. We look for answers to questions relating to life or death, the meaning of our lives or life in general. Some people claim to have this knowledge and sell it at a price, in terms of money or at some cost or sacrifice. Victims either live somewhere near, or are otherwise accessible to those who want power, and are willing to denigrate others.

Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control

bird with open cage


Don't Shoot The Messenger

Sometimes there is a meeting between the two worlds. There may not be such a very wide gap between those worlds, between people living their ordinary lives and what is described here. We bridge the gap between ourselves and horror, with horror films and fantasy. Some people live their own horror, or that of other people’s making. If people agree to live through horror with real free will that is their choice. No-one else should make that choice for them, or take over the reins of someone’s life. Not all cults do these things, although some general principles may apply in psychological or social terms. Another analogy would be Mafia-type thinking and control. Inroads have been made into cleaning some of that up, after denials for many years that Mafia even existed. How things can change!

You can follow your own thinking and practices, changing your views as other information or experiences come along. There has been confusion in terminology, with much black-and-white thinking. If one attempts to use the word ‘satanism’ or ‘satanic’ one can get into a theological quagmire. What has been described in these pages was apparently ‘satanic’ based, with references to demon alters and more that is not mentioned, apparently important in attaining ‘powers’. There were many biblical references, and use of hymns with words and meanings radically changed.

Many fine minds have spent time and effort in decrying efforts made to get people to listen and consider these abuses. Why try to demonstrate that something has not happened or cannot happen? What if it can, and might still be happening? Would you really turn your back on all of it with a shrug, a brief phrase of dismissal? If you wish to term it ‘urban myth’, ‘satanic panic’ or any other clever-sounding phrase to categorise and file away uncomfortable material, then do so.

This was not a one-off situation of my hearing this from Kelly and believing unquestioningly. I heard similarly from others, direct from their experiences. If you prefer to think that Kelly was some nut on the net (her words), or I am some fake/nut who misguidedly believed her, that’s OK. There were many attempts made to persuade me that the main perpetrator Marta was just one of Kelly’s alters. But Marta engaged me online, told me her name and profession, wanted me to make Kelly forget things, and sent me screwball emails on high days and holidays.

The geography of the Hicktown where this all happened? I am in no doubt about that. People wonder why where is no physical proof of these things. Mostly it is covered up. Generally, people need to be well away from habitation. You would likely find them in dense woodland, near expanses of water, in clearings, or even deep underground. No-one hears the cries. It can happen in large cities too.

Only occasionally was Kelly aware of other women involved like herself, or of some of the men, and she tended to forget after the event. People at ceremonies are generally cloaked or disguised. Those attending are in an altered, or alter, state where little is able to pass from one area of the brain to another (see the work of William Sarjant), or from one mode of thinking or behaviour to another. But the organisers need to be sufficiently compos mentis to carry things through, or else they would need people to ensure they are carried out on their behalf. Not all of these people need to be fully cult-connected.


Out Of The Woods?

Kelly had been demanding and helpless, expecting me to solve anything and everything wrong with her life, right now. Her voice and words resounded with blame, as she implied that I should do them because in her eyes my life was perfect, whereas she had no money, no hope, and so on. This alternating between idealising me and denigrating me was common with Kelly, but could be hard when my own batteries were low. She usually had consideration for people even when her own life was dramatically bad.

Nolly, the protector/interpreter of Kelly’s feelings, was also angry with me, listing things Kelly needed, and summing up ‘But nobody can tell you what to do, that is obvious. You always make your own mind up. And that so-called ‘protector’ has gone now. Kelly's scared you are leaving.’

Kelly wanted me to find an online course for her desired mode of being reclusive. She wanted instant information, instant this, solutions in all areas, including for her feeling worse than the days of Marta and the cult. I had pulled out all stops to keep Marta and the cult away from Kelly, using time, logic, intuition, extra time on dynamics, anything arising from online discussions, anything I read or heard. Some things worked better than others. As Marta was apparently not around, it was hard for me to see why I would not take more of a back seat. Read on:

‘My phone wires were cut outside’ came an email from Kelly after an unexplained break in communication. I wondered if Marta had something to do with the wires.

‘Here are some pictures of how I feel.’ Kelly forwarded some graphic pictures of a pit with jagged edges, and a mass of scribble over a diffuse background. ‘So now you know. And I can’t breathe, and there’s this awful feeling worse than anything I had before. You must make it better right now. Please, please.'

Nolly outlined some of what happened during the past week, and I was impressed by situations Kelly had handled intelligently and strongly on her own, more as she used to. ‘She wants to talk to you about them’ she wrote. Kelly had told me that somehow I made it impossible for her to talk to me, which I thought was because I tried to introduce changes.

I felt Kelly and I needed to broaden out from the tightly bound dynamics of Marta and the cult, and bring in concepts or views about the outside world. We had managed in the past, then it would disappear leaving an all-or-nothing, yes/no approach. Kelly had trouble with any kind of separation between herself and me, and blamed me for cutting her phone wires, or for sending her hate.

Kelly wanted me to help her start over, this time with her having a heart. I took a tangent on impulse, and referred to the warm-coloured hearth rug she was going to bring in from the shed. I wrote about a cottage with really thick walls, and nice little windows you could see out of but no-one could see in.‘Carry on with this, please’ wrote Nolly who'd been having a hard time with Kelly, no ‘protectors’, just a few little ones that were still there.

People like Kelly are often visionary, with things being very real to them. One needs to be careful not to use imagery which can be triggering or distressing in some unforeseen way. When this did happen Kelly would say ‘Please don’t talk about that’ or ‘Don’t use that word’, and I’d say ‘OK’ and go to something else. Once I raised a topic that was hard for her to handle and she seemed to disappear, so I returned to the previous topic which worked. Face-to-face it may be possible or advisable to delve more and see what happens, but not in remote circumstances.

‘Is that what you’d have? A cottage with really thick walls, so it’s never too hot and never too cold, and pretty little windows, and an old-fashioned little garden?’ I wrote. Kelly went on to describe lace curtains, the layout downstairs, a staircase with a bend, and bedrooms leading off a balcony. She wanted a sundeck front and back, whereas in her present house she hardly dare go outside and kept the curtains drawn to. This visionary house seemed safe - we struck lucky through necessity. ‘Thank you’ said Nolly. ‘This feels much better.’

I did believe something positive was happening and that it was worth persevering with a view to putting some of Kelly’s life into the past, and allowing forward movement. She told me most people have a filing system for experiences, whereas hers had broken. Next Kelly wrote about her life in another town some years back, with many dramatic incidents there which she coped with. She drew people and drama around her without doing anything for it to happen. There was a theme of standing up for herself or for others less fortunate or able. For all that Kelly was feeling a need to be reclusive now, I hoped things had gone through the bleakest part, and gradually things would happen for the better so she would surprise us all.



bird on carousel





performing seal





middleground mediation


MIND what you SAY on the WEB

trolls lurking


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