Ritual Abuse, Therapy, Dissociation/DID

That's Some Big Wheel

Compiled by Lucela

If you arrived from another website and want to read from the beginning click on WYSYIWYG

Yarnlyte text version for mobile phones is at http://yarntangled.blogspot.com

This page may not be directly relevant to the story. For the last part go to More Questions than Answers or scroll down further on this page for If You Are in Trouble and some links.

What You See Is What You Get


See also Factor This
That's Some Big Wheel
More Yarn-spinning

If You Are in Trouble
Measures and Counter-Measures
Cults and Psychic Self-Defence links

That's Some Big Wheel

Kelly wrote sections for 'her Book' showing some connections I had not made. I sorted out subject areas before there was too much, without mentioning it to her yet. Some days anything or nothing produced panic in Kelly, and a feeling she must go to hospital. I grew wary. Kelly said I imagined that I was the cause of things. A new alter Lala said I was making Kelly stronger and should go away. I replied I first needed answers to what lay behind this. That registered, before someone dashed off for a therapy session that Kelly had just emphasised she would not attend.

Kelly herself failed to attend several sessions, while the cult kept calling and punishing. Kelly thought that this part of things was just imagination, while raising concern at her cuts and bruises. But Daisy saw Trixie, excited at being wooed there with crayons and sweets, not just sandplay any more. Trixie's eyes boggled as Daisy described what Kelly was saying and writing.

woven flower

A long email exchange wheeled in a huge circle with Kelly playing everyone off against each other, whining she could do nothing but stay on the computer with me, the only person still in touch, and even I only listened to Daisy. I grew more wary. When 2 days later Kelly said she had taken one of her children to see Trixie, I reacted firmly that I could not get involved, and did not accept her pleas of 'What else could I do?' over a youngster spat like ones she used to manage.

Kelly told me that partner Phil had ended the relationship and financial support. I wrote to sympathise as there were family burdens too. I've not known anyone lumbered with so many chores and blamed for so much. Cinder-Kelly indeed. Informant said an appointment was now fixed for Kelly and Phil to see Trixie. In the past I pushed away personal stuff between Kelly and Phil, and had also said I could not get involved in Kelly's family which looked set on a collision course. I was uneasy about censoring a major part of our communications, although Kelly had agreed over the inadvisability of her child seeing Trixie. I said it was OK for Kelly to see her as an adult if she wanted, but her child was a minor and could not make that decision. She said if it arose again she would seek advice via a person she knew and trusted.

Someone else was censoring too, with Kelly's responses tailing off as her emails bounced back at her looking as though blocked by me: An alter, or someone jamming from a vehicle outside? An additional motivation from somewhere seemed to want to flush me out. There had been another day of Kelly asking inane personal questions to string me along. Something was going very wrong and I could not blame her. I had become curious about panic trips to hospital following requests made through others in the system, from which Kelly sensed a boundary. Kelly herself was perhaps instigating a kind of meltdown or showdown, thinking that would be easier to bear than my giving up on her.

Kelly wrote from a different email box that I had arranged for her writing. She was panicking at bouncing emails and the fewer responses from me, as if she blamed me for blocking her. At least she had the sense to check. I explained we had this trouble in the days of Marta, when I opened a new email box every week as each address got blocked at her end.

Lala accused me of pulling a neat trick by blocking emails, and claimed a number were sent but I failed to respond. She claimed 5 out of 7 from them were not getting through. But I had been checking the writing email box, and there was nothing apart from those I'd seen and answered. I suggested they re-send from the Sent box, that I'd been checking and they had not appeared there.

Now that Trixie and/or the cult knew Kelly was telling me things, it could be a risk for her or the children. A situation had come about or been induced, where Trixie was called in over one child who was just of an age for the cult and of interest to them. Trixie was called the same week over Phil and Kelly. Kelly's attempts to seek moral support over difficult issues were being blocked, even though I could not do much and might not always agree. If these people were doing half these things, what was the danger to Kelly in real terms, or for the child she took such pains to protect? Maybe the cult thought Phil's role was over. I had recently asked Daisy's interpreter about Phil's possible collusion with Trixie, and again got no reply.

Kelly was in a spin and could not see anything other than trying to avoid the unavoidable. In her panics she got involved with people who needed someone highly manipulable. That was part of her draw, her power. When she thought clearly she surpassed anything I am capable of, but otherwise she froze like a rabbit in headlights. Or else she short-circuited as a result of years of conditioning: call the cops, go to hospital, rush to see Marta or Trixie, leave the house because of a smell of smoke. She used to grasp what I was saying, and was able to expand on strategies as though born to it. We both knew her capacities were diminished and I could not see how she kept going.

It was apparent from Kelly's writing that she always knew of cult dangers for her children, leaving town with them when they were tiny, although she was now not properly aware of why. She used to discuss the cult openly in relation to Marta, but not for the last few months. It was as if it none of it ever happened. She seemed oblivious to the cult in relation to her children who were growing older, and I felt this was potentially a very serious problem. In flashes of insight Kelly knew Trixie equalled Marta equalled cult, and that I was not the person playing games.

To Kelly there was no visible or viable option to her constant turmoils. When I was uneasy over her taking the child to Trixie, or if I was not online, or she blamed me over the emails, she was simply unable to consider questions about who might find our communications awkward. If someone took pains to block emails, then there was either a cult or something going increasingly wrong inside her. When Kelly was thinking more clearly, she would agree she was not mentally sick, when everyone including Trixie kept saying she was. If she was persuaded she was sick, she felt compelled to go to hospital. Rarely did she she listen to me that she didn't have to rush off there.

For 3 months I spent time online with Kelly, as she came back from where she was hiding, psychologically, to protect her children. I was around before and after her therapy sessions, and eventually Kelly seemed to see daylight. Various alters vied for my attention but I stuck with Kelly, young Daisy whose head had been turned again, and Nolly or Informant who provided background. Circumstances went from appalling to so dire that the Kelly I knew seemed damaged beyond repair, in league with evil like the others. It was like an open pathway where she did not lift a finger of resistance. I knew I could not stick around if Trixie saw Kelly's children, though I would stay in touch over Kelly's writing and personal insights, because something seemed to be working there.

This seemed in jeopardy as Kelly also claimed she sent emails to me that got returned, yet there was no sign of them in the Sent box, nor any mailer-daemon messages. She did not (I think) usually tell lies like this, though she must have been feeling cut off and panicky. Someone inside was engineering trouble, or Kelly was going for a bust-up rather than fearing I would abandon her. Lala said that was worse to bear than physical pain and abuse.

Anything I wrote to Lala could be edited or twisted and presented to Kelly as fact. Looking at those exchanges in sequence, it seems like a legal argument with allegations from their side of trickery, and my defence and implication of lies on theirs. I kept back some comments that came to mind but the damage was done and things were flaring up nastily. Kelly would be devastated and feeling guilty for misleading me.

What kind of deal would the cult stick to over Kelly and her children when it came down to cult decrees? No contest, done deal, done and dusted. Kelly suffered it all, believing it was insurance to protect her children, like paying protection money in an area designated by Mafia. Like Mafia, whose reality was ignored for many years, intelligent informed people still deny cultic existence. This thing is what then? Engineered by? For the purposes of?

I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
I send them over land and sea,
I send them east and west;
But after they have worked for me,
I give them all a rest.

I let them rest from nine till five,
For I am busy then,
As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,
For they are hungry men.
But different folk have different views;
I know a person small
She keeps ten million serving-men,
Who get no rest at all!
She sends em abroad on her own affairs,
From the second she opens her eyes
One million Hows, Two million Wheres,
And seven million Whys!

Rudyard Kipling

No wonder Kelly pleaded for my help though being consciously unaware of so much. She would be unable to make changes that might put her children at greater risk. What realistically could she do? I tried to help her put things together while others did their utmost to ensure that she and others like her, the producers and carers of children, could not break the shackles or be believed. How would cults like this continue if people remembered and told someone? - They'd have to be stopped from telling one way or another, wouldn't they?

Those like me who hear things would need to be discouraged, denigrated or hassled, as has happened to other therapists and helpers. If I were to get hassled, do you think I might conceivably perhaps consider considering some options? There's nothing to stop me dreaming or pondering after all. Any person with a website for instance, unable to handle technical issues themselves, could happenstance get another person to add in some links, maybe from a few images might be neat, with a bit of background on lil' ol' Hicktown and its inhabitants. People wouldn't believe it? - That would depend on the presentation and technicality.

If the principles of how 'they' work are described, anyone adding to information or joining some more dots, might just possibly be likely to make the picture clearer, don't you think? I'm glad you agree. It is really nice to be neighbourly, to learn more about different people and understand their ways. There's nowt so evil as some folks. This could be happening in places nearer you. How neighbourly can you get? It takes all sorts to make a world, and it wouldn't do for us all to be the same.

Maybe some people or entities live in a different world, where ethics are topsy-turvy and goodness is inside-out.

Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. But Alice woke up.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause – there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

flower divider

Recently Kelly did not describe cult activity much, and did not speak as graphically as many other survivors of ritualistic cult activities. She didn't play the name game and did not know their names. In a recent lucid exchange she mentioned that babies and kittens killed by the cult had no chance to learn about life. 'What about them Lucy?' she asked. If you have not read about some of the current dynamics in Kelly's scenario, a summary appears in Factor This.

There is undisclosed material which links to participants' personal lives, and also between key issues. This is not meant to be mysterious - it reminds me at least of some areas. Things had now blown up at a time when Kelly faced issues with far-reaching consequences, and I had not thought she could survive this far. I had been reality-testing while putting other things on hold. Kelly & company thought it was OK for me to be online 2-3 hours on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and till the early hours on weekdays. They were unwilling to consider the existence of others inside or outside with a different agenda, and refused to engage in internal dialogue. Their system of evasion whenever I felt something was possible, was all-encompassing and broadband.

When I said 'It's OK to ask for my help, but there is only so much another person can do' there was an immediate reacton of 'So you're leaving us. Better to say now'. It could arise from nowhere. A day later Kelly would be back apologising, with a request headed 'important' but no detail. My guess is that someone behind all this thought I would stay forever hooked by their dangles, even though they desired me to clear off or 'go fly'.

Kelly tended to get into any cul-de-sac or double-bind going, and there were a fair number. Even if it seemed possible to steer clear of one she would find herself in another, as though seeking impasse. In this way her conflicts were not her fault, and she could innocently plead for help. We humans are a bit like that! Looking at what Kelly had to contend with it was quite a logical ploy. Often there would be a drastic state of affairs that had built up over months. I was aware of some of the circumstances and people around Kelly, and believe that if we crack part of those, the rest can and will follow.

We can get word out to stop this happening to others or to ourselves, while experts beg or don't beg to differ. I have great faith in the perspicacity of ordinary people, with enquiring minds and no axe to grind. You may not believe everything Kelly said, and she could give a ready excuse through having her skills honed by survival. You may not agree with all of my reasoning either. That is fine so long as we are not throwing out babies with bathwater, spitting in the wind, or spiting our faces with cut-off noses. How to smell the roses then?

In the earlier days of interacting with Kelly, I got emails from Marta which were insulting, making my involvement personal alongside the principles. Now there was increased harassment when Kelly missed a therapy or cult night. No alter answered me over the likely connections. Nolly the interpreter denied the cult was current, pleading the awfulness of rape and hurt, saying if I did not help they would have a life of rape and torture. They already did. She was sometimes polite, but tried to involve me for ever-and-a-day saying 'It's not like a life sentence, nobody is twisting your arm'. She used to parrot things that Marta whispered to Kelly, and there might be an element now of Nolly picking up cult propaganda or denial. I realised that my questions to Nolly and Informant were too complex, not allowing for their stance on a particular day. I was trying to get them to see, before it was too late, the unwisdom of seeing Trixie, plus her likely role for the cult or for Marta. Sometimes they wanted Kelly to keep seeing Trixie for some basic skills in living, like setting her straight only it was designed to send her off the rails.

The current tenor of lies and emails sounded much like Marta. It is 'their' way of fighting learned longterm, and it is dirty. My guess is that Kelly was mostly genuine, and she suffered greatly. At other times she was more of a designated front-person for who or what lay behind, and about which she was mainly kept clueless. I felt she bore some responsibility for being so much in denial, though she had natural and enforced reasons.

What I could not fathom was why I was kept in the situation after someone in the cult realised my awareness. I think they hedged their bets, and Marta even involved me in some high dramas. When Kelly stood up to Marta she was left alone for a while, which surely took restraint on Marta's part. 'They' know they have various means and opportunities to get people like Kelly back in the fold, whether or not they realise they are. That really is some smart Trick - better than any Zombies film for sure.

More Yarn-spinning

In a couple of places I mentioned that nothing has been included here for dramatic effect. Who needs to? Events and my thoughts for what those are worth, appear in sequence except that the beginning started in the middle. Writing up mainly as things happened helped to marshall my thoughts ready for the next onslaught. Later exchanges on Kelly's circumstances or perhaps on Hicktown too, are mentioned on this page and not inserted into earlier writing, although a link may be inserted in some places. Time will tell if they belong there. If there is a connection it may help others to recognise it in their local version of Hicktown.

There were far fewer emails with Kelly's normal route blocked. Daisy the 5-year old alter sent drawings for 'her Book' that Trixie was enticing her to write. Daisy implied that Trixie or I must help her with it, so which it would be? I replied that it was not a good idea to play people off against each other, receiving an 'innocent' denial. Daisy then took issue with Trixie, threatening her and storming out of a session. Somehow people in the system kept going back for appointments.

Kelly was deeply upset at the suicides of two young men, one in Hicktown's notorious suicide spot. Both were known to Kelly directly or indirectly through being on the same circuit as her family. I mention them in this, not wishing to make inferences or cause extra burden for their families, but in case people might assume that cults or social pressures only affect vulnerable women. These men were under pressure to perform in their jobs. We cannot generalise or assume a cult connection. We cannot deny any possibility of some link.

Kelly was drawn back into the psychiatric mould by doing things mothers normally do like showing concern, fearing she did the wrong things because people said she did - damned if she did and damned if she didn't. The psychiatrist said Kelly was in control if she wished it, and that Daisy was maladaptive behaviour. I stayed out of that philosophical argument this time. Strangely, Trixie attended that appointment and seemed in agreement. Why did Trixie then draw Daisy back in with promises and gifts, one a toy identical to one I'd bought when Daisy was the only persona holding the fort. Trixie was copying me again, I think with different motivation, but you be the judge.

Kelly said nothing and the only information came in via Nolly, Translator or Informant. Someone else began explaining things, being as quick as others to say 'So you're not going to write any more' at the drop of a hat. I was being told things I felt strongly against over Kelly's plans to take revenge, which never was any part of our negotiation. I seemed to have lost touch with Kelly, and she seemed to have lost touch with herself.

Kelly retired to bed for the most part, saying little about it coming up to Halloween, returning to the computer bleakly afterwards. Meanwhile there was an incident over the email account I'd set up for Kelly's writing. Someone had changed the password and, thinking Kelly was protecting her writing from someone, I changed it again and transferred her work out. Next day someone was trying to get the new password and I thought Yahoo would ban us both! I should have been the only one able to change it, holding the confirmatory email account Kelly knew nothing of, nor did she know the secret questions. I wondered if someone would soon be changing passwords for my own personal Yahoo mail. Be warned that can happen.

The new persona demanded that their writing be reinstated, and Kelly wrote disjointedly that someone stole her writing. I pasted it all into several long emails from where I was sorting some of it, and Kelly thanked me. Some trust existed despite everything else, but it was strange being accused of stealing the writing (I explained I had a copy meeting sarcasm that of course I did), and they accused me of conducting a psychological experiment in social control, designed to end in Kelly's death. This was much as I had described the cult doing.

For the next part go to More Questions than Answers or scroll down further on this page for If You Are in Trouble and some links.

Readers of A Singular Mean-ing will see that is the sort of thing that I thought was happening around her, which I was trying so hard to fathom and obviate. Perhaps time will tell over this, if over nothing else in the whole saga. During this episode however, it was made clear by Kelly and the new persona that I should indeed publish their story because it could help others.

It may not be as specific as the things happening around them, but rather along the lines of:

What does anyone do when the chips fall perilously all around?

See Measures and Countermeasures and the links below.

If You are in Trouble

At times Kelly seemed to be suffering from psychic attack or negative prayer. If you get involved in a case like this you may meet it too. There is a page of Measures and Countermeasures that may help you to get through that, or through any other bad time, until you find remedies for yourself. Also see the links appearing just below. Make use of what you can and what feels right for you.


Information on Cults and Psychic Self-Defence

People need to use their personal circumstances and discretion, their beliefs or disinclinations. Waters have become so muddied that opinion settles one way or another, for or against this approach or that, leaving people with no personal options. We have to find some!

The following are suggestions that have been made. You are free to make up your own mind. Please also find out all you can, on your own behalf or for someone you know. It works better that way, and because you're worth it!


Articles www.reachouttrust.org/articlesRelatedIssues.php


Anti-Human Trafficking www2.salvationarmy.org.uk/uki/www_uki.nsf/vw-sublinks/025D829BF4D3A2DF8025744A003FF0B7?openDocument


Aims to pro-actively educate about the dangers of destructive cults, in order to reduce the risk of people becoming involved in abusive and totalitarian groups.
















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